Greetings and salutations!

I’m writing from a standing desk in my dining room today after sustaining a pretty awful neck and shoulder injury over the weekend. Adding to the agony is the fact that I didn’t incur this injury doing something manly like chopping wood or boxing, but sitting at a desk for too long.

That’s something that apparently happens when you get old—you get hurt doing NOTHING. Where’s the justice?

I’ve got a great roundup for you this week, but first, an announcement.

It’s been a little more than nine months since You Can’t Stay Here came out, but despite its runaway success—I’ve sold DOZENS of copies!—I haven’t been sitting on my laurels. Actually, I HAVE been sitting on my laurels, hence the nasty lazy man’s injury.

Long story short, the book I’ve been working on has been shaping up nicely, and you, dear reader, can expect to see it hitting bookstands nowhere in Spring, 2023. Stay tuned for more exciting updates.

Also, a quick ask: I know based on the Beehiiv company spying on your viewing habits that most of you aren’t sending this newsletter right to the trash. Would you do me a favor and send it to someone you think would like it? My parents’ friends are dropping like flies, so if I don’t get some more eyes on this thing, I’ll be sending it to a bunch of abandoned Rocketmail addresses by Christmas.

Tell your friends about it. Hell, tell your enemies. Making them read this might be a nice way to get back at them.

With that out of the way, let’s take a look at what’s been going on in my corner of the world.

From The Blog 

Good Christ, it’s back-to-school time already? You know what they say: time flies when you’ve got two jobs and a toddler grinding away your youth. While I’ll no longer be traversing those freshly waxed hallways and musty classrooms on that magical first day, I still had the chance to participate in my least favorite part of the school life cycle: back to school shopping.

Read SHOP ’TIL YOU DROP on the blog HERE.

An Expected Invitation

If you thought my book announcement was exciting, this one’s going to blow your gray matter out of your ears!

I’m happy to announce that last week, I received an email invitation to one of the most prestigious and mysterious organizations this big, wide world has to offer.

That’s right, you guys. My invitation to the Illuminati finally arrived.

I can’t say it was all that unexpected. After all, I’ve been soaring to the top of the writing world (did I mention I’ve sold DOZENS of copies of You Can’t Stay Here?) And how could a group that includes Jay Z, Howard Stern, and Madonna NOT want to associate with someone that has this much clout?

I will say I was lucky to have seen this email in my Spam folder, because otherwise I would’ve missed it. And the fact that the Illuminati’s Grand Master is operating from a Gmail address was at first a little off-putting. But then I realized: these guys are so good, they wouldn’t do it any other way. They’re the world’s most SECRET society. Of COURSE they’re going to use an unassuming address like [email protected].

Of course, I replied immediately and am awaiting further instructions. And I’ll be sure to share with you any details about my illuminatihood if I can. But just know: if this is the last you hear about it, it’s not because I didn’t get in—it’s because I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

Social Media Ad of the Week

The good people at Skip-Bo must be reading my newsletter, because their new marketing campaign seems EERILY similar to my pitch for IDBH.

I mean, I’m not mad about it. According to DailyInfographic.com, the average person spends between 250 and 300 days of their life on the toilet, so the way I see it, there’s plenty of room for products that can help them pass the time while on the bowl.

If you do end up playing Skip-Bo while pooping, though, I’d be careful. Not only will you get that nasty red ring around your butt, but this article from Geisinger says it can be a recipe for hemorrhoids. Play at your own risk, my friends.

My Favorite Things

Watch: Melinda and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary last Saturday, and to celebrate, I took her up to Columbia, Maryland to watch one of our favorite comedians, John Mulaney.

Aside from Mike Birbiglia, Mulaney is probably my favorite in the game. I love the whiny delivery, the wordplay, and the way he tells a story. When he more or less had a public breakdown on Seth Meyer’s late night show two Novembers ago, I was absolutely obsessed with reading about it. Would he ever do comedy again?

I was happy to discover that not only was the answer yes, but Mulaney’s whole new set is devoted to his struggles with addiction and rehab. To me, there is nothing more brilliant than being able to take one of the most publicly embarrassing and painful moments of your life and turning it into entertainment. That, to me, is pure artistry.

Plus, I got this sweet t-shirt that only set me back $42. 

Sam Eats Spicy Snacks

I’ve been trying to eat healthier since a random internet stranger told me to get my life together, but when I saw these spicy dill pickle Ruffles at 7-Eleven last week, I couldn’t resist.

I will say that these aren’t the spiciest chips I’ve had, but the good people at Ruffles have done an incredible job of balancing the dill, salt, and garlic pickle essence with just enough sting to make you grab for another handful. I shoved so many of these into my mouth at once I had to make my wife Melinda take the bag away from me.

Spicy dill is a divine combo. 9/10

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Broad Street Briefs

FOOTBALL SEASON IS FINALLY HERE, AND THE HEAVENS REJOICE.

But today I’m not here to talk about Jalen Hurts’s noodle arm or the hilarity of Carson Wentz farting up and down the field in DC—I want to talk about a serious illness I’ve acquired since the end of last season.

It seems, my friends, that I’ve got a bad case of Minshew Mania.

I don’t know how else to say it: Gardner Minshew is the fucking man. From his outfits to his locker room antics, this dude is pure id.

I liked the dude last year, but it was this video that he posted on Instagram a couple of weeks ago that really sealed the deal for me. Dude has been living in a fucking CONVERTED PRISON BUS for the last six months! What a nut!

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Philly fans have always had a wandering eye for the backup QB, and I’m no different. My favorite player of all time is Jim McMahon, who backed up Randall Cunningham in the early ‘90s. See any similarities here?

The thing is, I’d be happier if the guy never played a snap. While Hurts isn’t the long-term answer under center, he’s definitely better than Minshew. I really just want him on the team as a mascot…a very expensive mascot. 

How epic is this moment? A few weeks ago, I saw a dude with the scene tattooed on his forearm. It’s the kind of dedication that makes you shed a tear.

Obligatory Kid Pic

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