Greetings from sunny, soupy Myrtle Beach! My family and I are here for the next week while my daughter is performing in her national dance competition. As I talked about in my first book, it’s wonderful to spend half of your vacation sitting in a cold, dark convention center watching other people’s kids tap dance to MJ’s “Smooth Criminal.” I totally recommend it.

Here’s what’s new with me:

From The Blog 

There’s this part of me that can’t stand when people make grammatical mistakes. I used to do this lesson in the beginning of every school year with my English students called “gross grammar.” It was a slideshow of grammar mistakes—a Twitter post of a girl saying she likes the smell of her boyfriend’s new colon; a sign that asks customers to use thongs when handling the bagels; a tattoo that reads Im Awsome.

I know I shouldn’t really care, but I can’t help myself. Most of the time, it makes me look like an asshole. Sorry about that.

Read GRAMMAR POLICE HERE 

Mickey D's Customer Service Update

As many of you know, I’ve been spending a lot more time working from my local McDonald’s. Not only is it quieter than the Starbucks, but the staff’s gross incompetence gives me plenty of opportunities to eavesdrop on angry customers.

I feel bad for these workers. I know they’re doing their best. But if there are more than four customers in line at once, they are in the weeds, and it pisses people OFF.

Take last week. This lady ordered some kind of latte or frappuccino bullshit and sent it back because the chocolate wasn’t properly distributed. “I want you to spin it like you’re supposed to,” she said. “This is not made correctly.”

Then when her food came out, she raised her voice again. I guess she’d ordered a sausage, egg and cheese but instead of having it on an English muffin, she wanted it on a hamburger bun. The cashier tried to explain to her that sorry, they couldn’t substitute a lunch component because they were only serving breakfast at the moment, but the lady was not having it.

“You mean to tell me you can’t go in the back and get a hamburger bun and put this sandwich on it?” she said.

On one hand, I get what she’s saying, but also, you asked, and they’re saying no. So move on.

She did not. Instead she doubled down, getting so loud that another customer told her to chill the fuck out.

“They’re doing the best they can,” he said.

“I’m getting poor customer service, and I have a right to express that,” she wailed. Which is like the third person I’ve heard in this McDonald’s talk about their RIGHT to be an asshole. Apparently, there’s a bunch of fucking Constitutional scholars eating McGriddles in here every morning.

But wait, there’s more. Karen went on to explain that she’s the MANAGER of a McDonald’s, and she KNOWS what they’re saying is incorrect.

“If you’re a manager at McDonald’s, how come you ain’t eating THERE?” the customer asked.

“I’m allowed to complain about bad service,” Karen continued. After that, I’m pretty sure she left so she could have the last word.

And like, you know what? Yeah, you ARE allowed to complain about customer service, but do you really have to make a scene? Did that make you feel better? Boy, you sure showed those McDonald’s workers who’ve been here since 3:30 this morning making your goddamn breakfast burritos. This ain’t Morton’s, baby. Drink your $2 mocha and get the fuck out.

Social Media Ad of the Week

This week’s ad is for Hostage Tape. I shit you not, this is a real product that the Facebook algorithm thinks I might be interested in.

Just so we’re clear, this is tape. For your mouth. That you’re supposed to wear at night to stop yourself from snoring. The website markets it as “the most comfortable mouth tape on the planet,” and for $19.95 a month—that’s right, IT’S A FUCKING SUBSCRIPTION—you get 30 pieces of tape in a fancy tape-shaped tin.

Please don’t tell the dorks leaving five star reviews on this website that they can buy a roll of duct tape at Home Depot for like four bucks. If they’re dumb enough to tape their own mouths shut during the night, I want their stupid faces to stay on the internet forever so we have a registry of who shouldn't be allowed to breed.

From the Headlines

Full disclosure: I have no idea if this is real. But in my experience, any headline that starts with “Florida Man” has a pretty good chance of being true.

My Favorite Things

Read: Tom Segura is one of my top 5 favorite comedians, so I was excited to read his new memoir, I’d Like to Play Alone, Please. It’s great because there’s no on-stage schtick here; Tom’s way more earnest and real, not trying too hard to tag every paragraph with a punchline. Every couple of chapters, there’s a vignette of a celebrity he’s met on an airplane, which I think is a GREAT device for breaking the book up a bit.

Watch: I just finished watching Pistol, a Hulu mini series about the Sex Pistols. I’m not a huge fan of their music, to be honest, but I love band biopics and this is a good one. Their manager is played by Thomas Brodie-Sangster, the weird-looking ginger kid from Love, Actually. It’s hard to take him seriously, but I think that’s kind of the point. It’s also a pretty solid PSA against doing heroin. If I was Sid, I’d have killed Nancy too. She’s annoying as hell.

Sam Eats Hot Snacks

I drove through North Carolina this week, and I have to be honest, it was pretty depressing. Every abandoned factory was followed by a run down strip mall that was next to a field that hadn’t been mowed since the Clinton administration. At one point we drove by a collapsed pole barn in someone’s side yard, and the homeowners were sitting there on lawn chairs, just watching it rust. It felt like the whole state was just saying, “eh, fuck it.”

One thing NC DOES do right is truck stops. At the Love’s north of Raleigh, they had an entire AISLE of beef jerky, as well as an end cap full of spicy snacks.

Here are two I picked up:

The ghost pepper one was tasty, but good lord, these Carolina Reaper cheese curls will make your life worth living. The havoc they will wreak on my digestive system, however, remains to be seen. (The bourbon was for later).

I must be really getting some traction with these spicy snacks Instagram posts, because I got my first comment from someone not in my immediate friend circle:

And I mean, dude's not WRONG, but we all have different priorities. From what I can tell, Farhan's are hitting the gym, taking his health as a priority, and commenting on random people's social media posts. My priorities are eating spicy snacks and using proper grammar—clearly things not on Farhan's list. Different strokes, different folks I say. 

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Obligatory Kid Pic

Thanks for reading. If you haven’t already, subscribe so you can read this hot garbage right in your inbox.

Both of my books are available for order on Amazon. Check them out here!

Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @samhedenberg for daily hilarity and baby pictures.