Happy fall, you servants to pumpkin spice.

It was 41 degrees when I woke up this morning, and though I wasn't mad about it, I stared at my closet for a good five minutes trying to figure out what I was supposed to wear. Since I work from home now, I've spent the last six months in gym shorts and t-shirts, and in the event I have a client-facing Zoom call, I'll pop on the plaid button-down that sits on the chair next to me. What do I do now? Sweatpants? Am I really that scummy?

Here's what I landed on:

Weird that my company instituted a dress code last week, right? Do you think this qualifies as business casual?

I've got a great issue for you this week. Thanks for being here and for telling your friends about how funny I am. 

Here's what's going on:

From The Blog 

Look, I get that old people aren't dead and still have...desires. But I don't want to picture it, and I CERTAINLY don't want to hear about it in line at the grocery store.

Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened to me last week, when I found myself in the middle of two horned up seniors.

Read GROCERY STORE MATCHMAKER on the blog here.

Tales & Ales Recap

I had an awesome time last Friday telling a story for 150 drunks as a part of the Tales And Ales storytelling group. The vibe was light and happy, and the stories everyone told were incredible.

As compensation for my storytelling prowess, I received a beer token, which I cashed in before we even did soundcheck.

I've done a few open mics before, but each time, I never felt like I belonged. I was either opening for a metal band or trying to make a group of cross-armed poets laugh. I even tried a comedy open mic night once, and the next three performers made fun of me. So to do this event where everyone was on the same page felt incredible.

They taped the show, so when it comes out on the Tales And Ales YouTube channel, I'll be sure to share it with you.

Poor Adam Levine

Oh, come on. Are we REALLY surprised the guy with the butterfly tattoo on his throat gets a little creepy in the DMs?

I'm usually not one to join in the social media dogpiles when news like this hits—low-hanging fruit bores me. But when my friends at The Prompt asked its writers to submit their Adam Levine memes, I couldn't resist.

Here are my offerings:

Check out The Prompt HERE for what the rest of the team came up with.

My Favorite Things

Watch: Nick Kroll's Netflix special, Little Big Boy, came out yesterday, and if I'm being honest, I haven't watched it yet. BUT I'm putting it on my list because Melinda and I were actually in the audience when he taped this in DC back in June. So aside from the 10 minutes I was peeing and getting another beer, I can fully say this is an incredible set. I've loved Kroll since he played Ruxin on The League, and Big Mouth makes Melinda laugh almost as much as America's Funniest Home Videos. 

Read: Mike Birbiglia's The New One is everything I aspire to write. It's funny, compelling, deeply vulnerable, and it reads SO FAST you forget you're reading. This is actually the second time I've read it—the first time was right after Robert was born, and I plowed through it during sleep-deprived nighttime feedings. This time was much more enjoyable. Mike just announced his new show, The Old Man and The Pool, will be on Broadway this fall, and I'm stoked for him. I can't say any more about how incredible he is as a storyteller.

Sam Eats Spicy Snacks

SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS

These Flamin' Hot Cheetos offering don't have any tequila in them, but you will make equally as terrible decisions afterwards.

Actually, I was a little underwhelmed by the flavor shots. I feel like the seasoning ratio was off. Like, if you want to SHOOT me with flavor, then fuckin' do it. 

Also, does anyone else have the sneaking suspicion Frito Lay had leftover breakfast cereal in the warehouse and dunked them in cheese? ASTEROIDS? These look A LOT like Reese's puffs to me.

Do better, Cheetos. 5/10.

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Broad Street Briefs

Holy Jebus, the Birds are 3 and 0!

I'll be honest, I was NOT expecting them to be at the top of the Power Rankings at all this season, especially this early. But they definitely look good. Hurts is showing the haters his noodle arm might be a little more al dente than we thought, and Jonathan Gannon seems to have gotten his head out of his ass and is letting his DBs play something more than shell coverage with a 10 yard cushion.

But if anything, I'm a cautious fan, and it's a little too early for me to start climbing light poles and eating horse shit.

Also, I'd be lying if I wasn't a little happy that we sacked Carson Wentz 9 times on Sunday. 

And finally, the Phillies are set to break my heart yet again.

Obligatory Kid Pic

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