Welcome back.

I turned 38 this week, and I have to say, it was pretty underwhelming. Not because I wasn't showered in love and spicy snacks and a number of Facebook posts from people I only hear from on my birthday, but because birthdays when you're a grown-up just aren't really that fun.

My parents tried to manage my expectations of this early on. Following my epic luau-themed 12th birthday party, complete with grass skirts and coconut bras, I remember my parents explaining to me this would be my last party because I was too old for parties now. From there on out, I got a handshake, a check, and a choice of my birthday meal (hot dogs and mac&cheese, duh).

But even into adulthood, it's hard to shake the feeling that your birthday should somehow be special. I don't know what special looks like, exactly. Doves flying out of cakes, confetti, a magician and a bouncy house? It's a pretty high bar—I don't know what I want, but I want it to be COOL.

The one good thing about my birthday this year is that I did take off from work. When I was teaching, that was an impossibility, so it was nice to have a treat-yo-self day. I bought three books at Barnes & Noble and took myself to my favorite bar, where I had a three-double IPA and reuben lunch. Afterwards, I came home, watched the new episode of House of the Dragon, and took a nap.

Come to think of it, I don't want doves or confetti. When you're 38, it doesn't get much better than a nap.

I've got some great stuff for you in this issue, INCLUDING a super cool announcement. Let's go for it.

From The Blog

I love the fact that this is the Google image that came up when I searched "emo kids," because I 100% knew kids who looked EXACTLY like this. I wonder where they are now. Are they still flat-ironing their hair and rocking Monroe piercings? Or, despite their insistence to the contrary, perhaps their Misfits shirts and skin-tight jeans actually WAS a phase, Mom?

My 10-year-old daughter recently told Melinda and me that she's emo now, and it was a delightful reminder of my former life and the different hats we try on as we try to figure ourselves out.

Read I'M EMO NOW on the blog HERE.

I'm Rambling in Public Soon

I'm super excited to announce that I'll be performing a story next Friday as a part of the Tales & Ales event at Old Ox Brewery.

I've tried my hand at telling my stories out loud a few times over the last few years, but it's mostly been...not great. I've opened for metal bands at open mic nights and confused people with jokes at poetry slams. I once read a story at a comedy showcase and the next three comics made fun of me.

But this time, I really feel as though I've found my crowd. I just got to hang out with the other performers last night to drink beers and workshop our stories, and I have to tell you, they're fucking FUNNY.

The Tales & Ales crew told me the show will be sold out by the end of the week, so if you want to get in on some good times, I'd love for you to get some tickets and come hang.

Social Media Ad of the Week

I think rapper Skee-Lo spoke for everyone when he told us back in 1995 that he wished he was a little bit taller.

The fine people at Conzuri took that ball and ran with it, and after nearly 30 years of development, they've finally released their height-augmenting shoes to the vertically challenged people of Instagram.

The ad campaign is shot guerrilla street-style, with this poor dude ambushing random short people with an iPhone and a pair of dorky looking sneakers.

There's a lot of stuff I don't necessarily love about my body, but I've never once questioned my height. I mean, I get that it might be emasculating to be 5'3" and stand next to an Amazon in heels, but do dudes who are 5'11" REALLY get that much of an ego boost by wearing lifts that make them 6'2"?

Sublime dude apparently does. So does Machine Gun Kelly bro.

Thanks for the offer, Conzuri, but I think for now, I'll just stick to standing on a phone book whenever I need to feel better about myself.

My Favorite Things

Watch: I was an early-adopter of the no-cable household, cutting the cord way back in 2010. For a long time, Netflix, Hulu, and HBO Max was enough to get me through my binges.

But then all the corporate greed mongers started jumping on the bandwagon, and in order to get all of the shows I want to watch, I need to basically spend as much as I would on a goddamn Comcast subscription.

I refused to get pulled into Disney Plus or Peacock out of principle, but last week after enjoying a few high-gravity dad sodas, I pulled the trigger on Paramount+.

Reader, I am not disappointed. For 50 bucks a year, I can watch every piece of garbage that Comedy Central and MTV have ever put on the airwaves. TWELVE seasons of Tosh.0 is worth the subscription alone.

Last night, I tucked into an episode of MTV Cribs where Ice T yelled "I'M A FAMOUS RAPPER" into the abyss of the Hollywood hills and the lead singer of Orgy showed off his very ordinary suburban home. ORGY!

My only disappointment thus far was that Paramount+ does not seem to carry Dave Attel's old CC show, Insomniac, which was one of my favorite shows as a kid. Maybe one day they'll pick it up.

Listen: My good friend Zac put out a new album this week with his new band, Zachary Ross and the Divine. Zac and I have known each other for nearly two decades, first meeting when his band, The Front Page, played with my band, Cash In, at a random bar in Rhode Island. Zac went on to co-front Man Overboard, and we've spent many-a-night sleeping on strangers' floors and wandering far-flung cities together.

This record in a lot of ways picks up where Man O left off, and I'm really proud that Zac is still doing what he loves—making music and smoking weed.

Check out Zac's new album on Spotify HERE.

Sam Eats Spicy Snacks

I know, I know, I haven't posted spicy snacks in awhile. Life has been getting in the way, and for all you spicy snack fans out there, I humbly apologize.

BUT that doesn't mean I haven't been stockpiling the SHIT out of some spicy snacks.

Impressive, right? Looks like the pantry of a 500 lb diabetic living in Lawrence, Kansas.

At some point, I'll steel my stomach and get some reviews out to you. I know you're dying to hear my thoughts.

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Broad Street Briefs

The Birds put up a decent debut last Sunday, topping the Hard Knocks Lions by a field goal.

I was pretty underwhelmed by the performance, but as they say in the business (what business, I'm not sure) a win is a win.

Welcome to Philly, Mr. Brown.

Meanwhile, against my better judgement, I joined a fantasy football league at the brewery. I like fantasy football in the abstract, but the reality is that I have NO idea what I'm doing most of the time. Sleepers, busts? I'm tinkering with my lineup trying to find a way to beat my more astute friends, reading what the fantasy "experts" have to say, but since I'm just throwing darts into the dark, it makes me frustrated and annoyed.

I might as well light that $25 entry fee on fire and watch reruns of The League, which is way more fun.

Here's my lineup for this week, just in case anyone has some hot tips for me.

Obligatory Kid Pic

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