Greetings sports fans,

I’m writing you from the parking lot of a surgery center in Maryland, where my wife Melinda is currently under the knife to get a cyst removed from her foot. I was kind of under the impression that this would be an in-and-out thing, but when I visited her in the prep room, she had the shower cap and the gown and everything on like she was getting a quadruple bypass.

Once they wheeled her in, I excused myself to the parking lot. “Go get ‘em, honey,” were my parting words. “You’re going to do great.”

I’m fantastic at pre-op pep talks.

Good stuff on tap today. I’ll try to make it quick

From The Blog

When you apply for a job and don’t get it, those form rejection letters sting a little bit. But what happens when you get one over a YEAR after you apply?

Read NOBODY WANTS TO WORK ANYMORE to find out.

The Ultimate Bonding Experience

You know how you know you’re old? When your boss invites you to a team bonding event and you’re on board until you discover he wants to play Ultimate Frisbee.

I haven’t played that game since my junior year of high school, which was approximately the same year as many of my co-workers were born. “Ok, I’ll play,” I said, “but whoever picks me should know I plan to play one handed, because my other hand will have a beer in it.”

We chose teams, and as we began to play, I realized it wasn’t so bad. I played sports a lot growing up, so those old competitive synapses began to fire. I saw the field, the plays developing, and how I needed to maneuver.

My body, on the other hand, had different plans. Every time my brain would send a signal—sprint up the right side, get open—my body would mutiny. Are you fucking kidding me? I went full throttle for the first two minutes before my heart gave my ribcage a few gentle taps. I’m not sure what’s going on out there, but it needs to stop NOW.

In hindsight, the beer didn’t help.

The additional challenge was the fact that I spent a good part of the game attempting to guard Donovan, who’d just earned a Master’s Degree from Duke. In addition to having a decade’s less mileage on his body, Donovan was a track star, setting school records at both Duke and Dartmouth. A D1 athlete matched up with a D1 newspaper reporter.

Honestly, it turned out okay. It started to rain halfway through the game, so I didn’t have to wear the shame of my sweat stains, and by the time we finished, everyone was pretty beat. I had FUN…at least until I got in the car and my quads seized up like a motor with no oil. It’s been a week now, and they’re still sore.

At some point, I hope they go back to normal, but it’s possible this is now my life.

Social Media Ad of the Week

Speaking of old age: this week, the Instagram algorithm tried to sell me orthopedic socks. “Say NO to crooked toes and foot pain with these socks!” the copy read. Then it fed me a bunch of pictures with people whose feet looked like they’d gotten their feet caught in a grain thresher.

People, if your shit is crooked, go to the doctor’s. PLEASE do not buy socks off of the internet and think your problems will be solved.

My Favorite Things

Watch: I finally got around to watching WINNING TIME: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty on HBO this week. It starts with a scene where Magic Johnson is in the doctor’s office and finds out he has AIDS, which like woah, way to dive in headfirst, HBO. I’ve spent my entire life thinking Lakers fans are as cheesy and lame as Yankees or Cowboys fans, so I wasn’t IN right away. But I did write a paper on Kareem Abdul Jabbar in 5th grade, and I love anything John C. Reilly does. The portrayal of Larry Bird is also INCREDIBLE. Can’t wait for Season 2.

Broad Street Briefs

Eagles training camp is upon us, and with it comes a few new faces and some truly ridiculous-ass helmets.

Have you seen these guardian things? The NFL is requiring linemen and linebackers to wear them through the second preseason game because it’s supposed to decrease head injuries by 10 percent. I’m all for safety, but judging on the players’ responses, they’re dubious as well.

“I think they’re goofy as shit,” Birds tackle Lane Johnson said in a press conference this week. A few other players hedged a bit more, citing they were worried the league would fine them for speaking out publicly against the safety measures.

Center Jason Kelce naturally found a creative way to express his displeasure. In addition to the guardian pads, he wrapped his helmet with bubble wrap. “I figured it’d give me an extra 2 or 3 percent of protection,” he said.

I absolutely love that dude.

Obligatory Kid Pic

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