Welcome back to the second issue of I Don’t Belong Here, a newsletter that’s full of pictures for my friends who can’t read.

Thanks to everyone who gave me such great feedback on my first issue. My mom thought it was great, but she also used to hang my really shitty drawings of airplanes on the refrigerator like they were Monets. So I feel like her taste is questionable at best.

Here’s a roundup of what’s going on in my world:

From The Blog

I really used to think Terrible Twos was something bad parents used to excuse their poor rearing skills. After a recent episode with my own son, I’m not so sure.

Read NAP CRAP here.

From The Prompt

In my most recent essay for The Prompt Magazine, I talk about one of the things I’ll miss least about teaching high school: writing letters of recommendation for kids I barely know.

Included is the full text of a real letter I wrote toward the end of my career, where I told the recipient that I would absolutely NOT recommend him for their program.

Read STAMP OF APPROVAL here.

IG Ad of the Week

This week’s ad comes from Colon Broom, which as far as I can tell is just Metamucil repackaged for Millennials. The premise is that if you drink enough of it, you won’t even have to go to the gym, because your insides will be in the toilet.

Honestly, I’m all for a diarrhea diet. It’s the same one those emaciated kids in third world countries use, and I mean, not an ounce of fat on THOSE bodies!

These ads feature a series of good-looking twentysomethings chugging this pink drink and then giving a thumbs up to the camera. “Have the perfect poo!” one slide claims.

You know, when I was a kid, ads sold me toilet paper with cartoon bears and women caressing the rolls like they were made of cashmere. Now, we have stuff like Colon Broom, whose website proudly proclaims POOP LIKE A WINNER! Now THAT’S the progress our society needs!

If Colon Broom REALLY wanted to up its game, it’d get a celebrity endorsement. Tom Brady perhaps, or maybe Lizzo. How did I win three Grammys? I shit my brains out using Colon Broom!

My Favorite Things

Read: I just finished Jessi Klein’s incredible essay collection I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife and Motherhood. You probably know her best from playing the voice of Jessi on the Netflix show Big Mouth, which is one of Melinda and my favorite shows.

I’m not a huge fan of mommy books because they’re generally a predictable mix between martyrdom and sanctimony, but Jessi’s is a bit more real. My favorite essay is one in which she says she’s a better mom after a couple of glasses of wine. Now THIS is a parenting tactic I can get behind!

Watch: New movies don’t excite me like they used to. I don’t care about superheroes, so that eliminates like, 90 percent of the movies being made right now. But every once in a while, a banger comes along that I want to watch over and over. The most recent example of this? Adam Sandler’s Hustle.

Okay yeah, It’s about Philly, and yeah, it’s got a bunch of Sixers in it. But you know what else it has? Heart, comedy, and redemption. And I’m a sucker for redemption. Plus, it’s got a sick five-minute training montage that stabs me in the part of my brain where Rocky Balboa has taken up permanent residence.

Bonus points for Anthony Gargano’s cameo. He’s has been my favorite sports talk show host for decades, and he does not disappoint. Yo Cuz!

Sam Eats Hot Snacks

For the last few months, I’ve been doing a series on my Instagram where I try the new spicy snacks I find at the store. It’s gained quite a following—by following, I mean like two people have mentioned it to me—and people have started to bring me spicy snacks to review.

This one comes from my mother in law, who always brings me a shopping bag full of junk food when she visits. Brim’s Snack Foods presents: Hot! Crunchy cheese curls.

Clearly, we’ve got a Hot Cheetos knock-off on our hands here. But HOW generic are they?

These cheese curls are the bootleg China version of a baseball jersey. The colors are off, the numbers are lopsided, and the whole thing is going to fall apart if you get it anywhere near a washing machine. These things were so bad, 3/4 of the bag is still sitting on the back seat of my truck, where they’ve been reduced to orange-colored packing peanuts.

I’m sure the fine people of Brim’s Snack Foods—whose website suggests they primarily deal in pork rinds and “cracklins”—are doing their best, but when it comes to spicy shit, my suggestion is they leave it to the experts.

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Broad Street Briefs

Despite still being 8.5 games back in the division, the Phils are still fun as hell to watch since Joe Girardi got fired last month. But baseball is boring to talk about, so instead I’ll celebrate the 20th anniversary of an iconic Philly sports milestone: the AI Stepover.

I admittedly didn’t pay much attention to the Sixers when I was a kid. We didn’t watch basketball in our house, and my dad tended to villainize Allen Iverson for his rambling press conferences and off-court activities. But as I’ve gotten older, I realize how lucky I was to be in a city where such a great player made his home.

How epic is this moment? A few weeks ago, I saw a dude with the scene tattooed on his forearm. It’s the kind of dedication that makes you shed a tear.

Obligatory Kid Pic

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