Hello and Happy New Year!

My friends and I recently had a discussion about what point you should stop wishing people a Happy New Year. We decided it's still appropriate if:

• You haven't seen that person since the ball dropped

• It's before Jan 15

And since this is the first newsletter of the year and meets both criteria, I feel like it's warranted.

Also holy shit you guys, we did it! We made it out of 2020!

I'm absolutely the type of sappy, introspective weirdo with a shelf full of self-help garbage that makes New Year's Resolutions, but I'm afraid there's nothing too interesting. It's a list of more: Read more, write more, drink more water. I think I can handle it.

Do you have a New Year's Resolution? If not, consider making it your mission to tell everyone you know about my newsletter. It's way cheaper than that gym membership you're not going to use and way easier than pretending you're not going to drink until February.

I have a lot of mediocre stuff for you in this issue. Let's take a look at the trash heap inside my brain cavity.

From The Blog: Colonel Last Call

Many countries around the world require their citizens to serve a stint in the military, but based on the way some of the soldiers I've met act, they'd be better off spending two years as a bartender getting talked down to.

This recent patron decided to pull rank—literally.

Read COLONEL LAST CALL here.

Notebooks of the Year

I’ve been carrying a notebook with me every day for over a decade. It's where I write down all the observations and thoughts that eventually become my blogs and essays.

I’ve tried a bunch of different models over the years, but about 4 years ago I landed on Rite In The Rain weatherproof spiral tops and haven’t looked back.

I staple a piece of elastic at the bottom of each one to keep it from flapping open and secure my pen in it, a trick I learned from David Sedaris.

Once I finish one, I put it on the shelf with the others like a solipsistic trophy case.

Usually I go through about one per month, but since this year was my first working from home, so I used far fewer than I normally do. Apparently it's hard to write down observations about the world if you never leave your house.

This year though, I'm trying to get that shelf a little fuller.

Social Media Ad of the Week

You guys, it's 2023. It's time for you to stop neglecting your jaw muscles!

At least, that's what fine people at Jawzrsize think. So far as I can tell, this is a piece of rubberized plastic that you chew to strengthen your jaw muscles. Forget your traps and tris—the jaw is the new vanity muscle!

I mean, come on. Don't you want to be like this dude?

Or this sexy lady?

This girl is smart. She knows she's gotta get those jaw muscles in shape so she can chomp down on all of those Funions behind her.

You can pick up the combo pack of four different strengths for a cool $39.99 plus shipping. Think about how much fucking Double Bubble you can buy with 40 bucks.

I recommend you get Jawzrsize in your life immediately—and STOP SKIPPING JAW DAY!

My Favorite Things

Watch: I watched a buttload of TV over the holiday break, and I got to the point where the well started to get a little dry.

As such, I recently jumped in on an older show called SEAL Team, a CBS action drama that started in 2017.

It stars David Boreanaz as a hot shot SEAL team leader who finds himself in enemy contact every single episode. There's some other random side stories about his marriage falling apart and the heartbreak of war, but I usually fast forward through those parts so I can see them rappel into occupied buildings and blow shit up.

The best part is that there are SIX SEASONS of this sucker, so I should be good until at least St. Patty's Day.

But as much as I love my dude from Bones, there's only one SEAL at the top of my list:

Broad Street Briefs

I'd be absolutely remiss if I didn't address the scary scene during the Bills game last week. We forget sometimes that the game we're watching on TV has real life consequences for real people, and I haven't been as shaken since New York Jets defensive end Dennis Byrd got hurt on the field back in 1992.

It was nice to see the players rally around Damar Hamlin—like Miles Sanders, pictured above—but there were some players in the league who seemed to...forget?

Like on Sunday, when the Shittsburgh Steelers defensive front celebrated a sack of Browns QB Deshaun Watson by miming CPR?

Look, I'm not an overly sensitive guy. I like a good 9/11 joke as much as the next, but c'mon fellas, read the room.

Glad to see Hamlin is recovering well, and we can cruise into the playoffs feeling good.

Speaking of which...

Obligatory Kid Pic

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