Greetings!

Happy November to everyone, or as the fine executives at Target would say, Merry Christmas. I'm as big of a holiday season fan as the next guy, but it's been hard to get into the spirit lately. I bought a half-cord of firewood for the fireplace and was greeted by 10 straight days of 80 degree weather. It's my understanding that eventually, it might get cold again.

Of course the big news this week is that the Phillies lost the World Series to the Houston Astros. While I'm disappointed that they didn't take it all the way, I am kind of happy that I only have to watch one sporting event a week now. I can only stay up until midnight screaming at the TV so many nights in a row—that shit's draining.

Good stuff for you this week. Let's dive in.

From The Blog

Goddammit, I hate dressing up for Halloween, but this year, my co-workers forced my hand, and I ended up buying some bullshit cop costume so we could all coordinate. And you know what? I actually ended up having fun.

READ COSTUME PARTY POOPER HERE

Mid-Term Meltdown

Thank god the mid-term elections are over. I get they're an important part of our democracy, blah blah blah, but I have just been absolutely beat over the head with it for the last month, and I'm ready for the noise to stop.

Let me preface this by saying I think voting is critical. It's an important civic duty, and I'm happy for all of you who take pride in exercising your right.

But honestly, don't you feel a teeny tiny bit silly showing off that I VOTED sticker? Like, that's the same way your pre-school teacher rewarded you when you went doody on the potty. You really think people see your Instagram post of you at the polling station and say "well I wasn't going to vote, but FUCK, they're giving out stickers!"

The other thing I'm done with are the campaign ads, which I feel like get more scare-mongery every year. Here in Virginia, I've had to watch Republican Hung Cao face off against Democratic incumbent Jennifer Wexton, both of whom have the most ridiculous mudslinging ads.

Actual quotes from these commercials include "HUNG CAO WANTS TO PUNCH DR. FAUCI IN THE FACE," and "JENNIFER WEXTON HAS A PROBLEM WITH PARENTS." So what you're saying here is I have to choose between a guy who assaults scientists and a girl who hates families? Seems like a win win to me!

From The Headlines

Ah, it's always great to hear what's going on at the ol' alma mater. This article comes from The Diamondback, the newspaper I wrote for as a young pup at the University of Maryland. Apparently, they've seen an uptick in horned up weirdos flashing their junk to unsuspecting coeds on campus.

In my head, I picture them all wearing Maryland flag-patterned trench coats.

This was a blast from the past for me, because it reminded me of a story going around the newsroom when I was there about a mysterious library lurker. We called him the McKeldin Masturbator because he'd hide in the stacks and shoot ropes on girls studying for their econ finals.

Just to clear myself of any libel charges, I'm pretty sure the McKeldin Masturbator was not Ron Paul. But what do I know?

My Favorite Things

Read: I've been following standup comedian Ginny Hogan for a while now on the 'gram, not just because she's raunchy and self-deprecating, but also because she's a damn good writer. She had a great piece in The Atlantic this week about the insanity of talking to people that slide into her DMs. It's clever, observational, and a little heartfelt—just the way I like it.

Watch: I finished Netflix's Dahmer last week, and holy Christ am I glad it's over. The whole mini-series is a train wreck, in the sense that you WANT to look away but you can't. I could only watch one episode at a time because it was so disturbing. Def not one you want to watch before bed, but super well done.

Sam Eats Spicy Snacks

This week's spicy snack comes from who else but the fine people at Cheetos. I dug into these late one night in bed, and they did not disappoint.

Sweet on the front for sure, but after about 10, the heat builds and holy Larry you've got a problem on your hands. Probably one of the spicier snacks I've tried. They gave me the hiccups for a half hour after I ate them. 9/10 for sure.

After giving this review on Instagram, I finished the bag not long after, balancing the heat by dipping them in onion dip. Would recommend.

Have a suggestion for a spicy snack? Hit me up!

Broad Street Briefs

Well, shit. The Phillies lost to the Astros in the World Series, and that's the end of that.

There are mixed emotions about it in Philly, some people being really hard on the team for failing to show up in the last three games of the series. Others, like me, are just grateful for the ride.

I was a good sport and sent messages to my friends who are Astros fans, congratulating them on their win. I took the high road, but for some reason, the Nats fans I know did not.

A few of them started chirping at me in the 9th inning when it was pretty obvious how things were going to go, for some reason pushing Bryce Harper's contract in my face. Which like, I'm sorry, did you NOT see him win MVP last year? Did you NOT see him bat .382 and hit six dingers in the post season? And why do you think I care how much he gets paid? I'M not paying his fucking salary!

Sorry Harper left your shitty team, Nats fans. Maybe you'll have better luck next year with Max Scherzer Trea Turner Juan Soto Josh Bell Patrick Corbin?

Also, your weekly reminder that the Birds are undefeated.

Obligatory Kid Pic

Thanks for reading. If you haven’t already, subscribe so you can read this hot garbage right in your inbox.

Both of my books are available for order on Amazon. Check them out here!

Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @samhedenberg for daily hilarity and baby pictures.

And for god's sake, tell your friends to subscribe!