Holy Larry!

I've written TEN of these suckers already? If that's not a milestone worth celebrating, I don't know what is.

This newsletter started as a fun little "wouldn't it be cool if..." project, and unlike some of my other forays (RIP Facebook Live and podcasting careers), I actually feel like when I write this, I'm not just yelling into the internet's black void. It takes me about three hours to write this every other week, and the juice is absolutely worth the squeeze.

So thanks for reading, thanks for the feedback, and thanks for telling me I'm not a complete maniac for sitting at my desk at 6 in the morning and writing poop jokes for no one.

One thing I still haven't figured out is how to ask people to subscribe. Like, should I tie little scraps of paper to front doors like the landscapers do in my neighborhood? Should I take out an ad in the Village Voice? Maybe I should walk around with one of those cardboard sweepstakes boxes that promise you'll win a free car. Do people still fill those out? I'll keep workshopping.

In the meantime, here's all the stuff that's going on in my world.

From The Blog 

I've really enjoyed having Robert in daycare this last month because it's given me a chance to only do one really hard thing instead of doing one really hard thing AND watch a toddler at the same time. Our daycare lady (daycarist?) is wonderful, and her house is only a five minute walk from ours.

But dropping Robert off each morning has raised a lot of questions in the neighborhood, because when I return home without him, it looks like I'm just an insane man pushing an empty stroller.

I, of course, have really leaned into that narrative.

Read THE INVISIBLE BABY here.

Tales And Ales Update

The fine people at Tales and Ales not only gave me the opportunity to tell a story in front of 150 drunk, ticket-buying patrons, but they also took lots of pro pics and video that make me look like I actually know what I'm doing.

Last week, they released my story on YouTube. You can check it out here.

SPAM of the Week

A little bit of a curveball this week for Ad of the Week, because it comes in the form of what I can only assume was a spam call.

Despite paying like 100 bucks a month for my AT&T phone service, I use my phone as a phone something like four times per billing cycle. Yet my phone rings off the hook. All. Damn. Day.

Most times, the screen reads "SPAM" or "TELEMARKETER," and I hit the mute button and move on with my day. But last week, the caller ID read: ROBERT STEIMKE.

I don't know Robert Steimke, but reading the name gave me a little glimmer that maybe I SHOULD. Maybe he's a high-powered talent agent who read my book and is calling to offer me a six-figure book contract!

I answered the phone, and to my disappointment, the line was dead. I did the whole saying "hello" 15 times just to be sure, but that never works. Nobody hears the 10th hello and is like oh right, I'm making a phone call and it's my turn to talk. 

But after ending the call, I was still curious about who this Robert Steimke was, so I Googled him.

And I found this:

Well holy fuck, Bobby. You've been dead for 11 years and JUST NOW getting around to calling me about it? I thought I'd be a little higher on the list than that.

I don't know which I'm more impressed with—the fact that somebody had the foresight to bury old Rob with a phone charger, or that he can get a clear signal six feet under. I can only get two bars in my goddamn living room.

My Favorite Things

Read: My dirty little secret is that I LOVE self-help books, ESPECIALLY when it comes to writing. I've got a whole bookshelf of paperbacks with titles like "The Lazy Asshole's Guide to Writing Fiction" and "How to Write a Novel in 30 Minutes or Less." That last one was a rip-off, because it was only one page that read "you can't." Surprising because the Goodreads reviews were SO GOOD.

My favorite craft book is probably Stephen King's On Writing, but a close second is Steven Pressfield's The War of Art. His new one, Put Your Ass Where Your Heart Wants to Be, is equally as inspiring. The main premise, of course, is that if you really want to do something, you have to do it. Put your ass in the chair and write. Which is advice I need A LOT.

Even if you're not a writer, this book is a good reminder to stay the course in pursuing any passion, whether it's art or business or beekeeping. The best line I've read so far:

Listen: When FX premiered It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia in 2005, Philly people were skeptical. Who are these jabronies, and why are they trying to cash in on some lame sitcom with a bunch of cheesesteak references?

Of course, after 15 seasons, they've weaseled their way into our hearts. We love us some Nightman and Fight Milk, and their tribute to both the Phillies' World Series and Birds' Super Bowl wins were epic.

On a recent episode of the Sunny bros' podcast, they did a segment called "How Philly Are Youse?" where they had listeners submit tapes to explain why they were the most Philly people. My favorite submission was from Kate from Mayfair, who explained she didn't like Always Sunny until her boyfriend made her watch it while they had sex. As Kate put it, "I wuz laughin' even tho we wuz bangin'."

As with all things Philly, the accents make it, so give it a listen, or better yet, watch it on YouTube. 

Broad Street Briefs

Am I dreaming?

The Birds are 5 and 0, and as of this morning, the Phils are 1-0 against the Braves in the NLDS.

The Phillies have been fun because not only has it been 11 years since they've seen the playoffs, but they're doing it in fucking STYLE. Take, for example, the champagne bath they gave the locker room after securing the THIRD WILD CARD SPOT.

And nobody's puffing their chest out more than fans after that 2-0 sweep of the Cardinals. Even the players' families are getting in the mood:

But the fictional white trash character Ponyboy had it right when he quoted that no-name poet: Nothing gold can stay. Do I think either team has a chance at the title? Not really. But look, I've spent a lot of years crying and cursing about mediocre sports in this city, and when things are good like this, it's important to enjoy it. I'm stoked.

How stoked, you ask? So stoked I went out and did this last week:

If you know, you know.

Go Birds.

Obligatory Kid Pic

Thanks for reading. If you haven’t already, subscribe so you can read this hot garbage right in your inbox.

Both of my books are available for order on Amazon. Check them out here!

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